…In marriage: 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. My wife and I aren’t one and one. We are two halves that make a whole. You have to apply yourself to be a family – two halves fitted together are more efficient than either half would ever be alone. – Bruce Lee
… How to start? My wife is a student of aberrant behavior. Sometimes I think that’s why she married me. To relax, she watches crime shows, like Killer Kids. She really enjoys Bridezillas. And recently, I caught her glued to an Extreme Cheapskates marathon. Granted, there’s a dearth of quality programming around Christmas. But, really.
I detected a pattern. She is simply just trying to understand. And she’s so cute when she watches this crap. “Oh, my God,” she says, her eyes widened in amazement. Sometimes she’ll even rewind whatever she’s watching and call me over to share the startling behavior. “Look, here’s a CPA who hasn’t bought fresh food for two years,” she’ll exclaim. “She dumpster dives.” But that’s not the weird part. The weird part is when the CPA invites a young couple over for dinner.
Anyway, the governor fired fifteen thousand people and apparently gave my wife all the work. Not a problem, she can handle the load. But if she didn’t want to cook before, she really doesn’t want to cook now. So, I am trying to pitch in more than ever.
I flashed on this idea when she went away for eight days. Contrary to my fears, I did not starve. My sandwiches aren’t as good as hers, my salads aren’t as good as hers, but I can make a sandwich, I can make a salad. Who knew?
And I can heat. I don’t mean to brag but we have a microwave. So, I am trying to cook more meals. And I serve her: “Don’t get up, honey.” Won’t take her long to remember I give an awesome foot massage.
Great seduction technique, but that’s another story.
Hell, if I’d known she’d be this grateful and pleased and happy, gosh, I might’ve started cooking – heating – sooner. Made her a celebrity breakfast this morning, that’s a slice of Aunt Jemima’s french toast and a couple of Jimmy Deans’ country-style sausage links.
Because I analyzed this situation and admitted, “I just like to be waited on.” She confided she likes to be waited on, too. No wonder rich couples have servants. So, I am thinking to myself, ‘Self, how can you take better care of her?” Because, I am really invested in her happiness and well being. I really am. She is not the best person I have ever known because I love her, I love her because she is the best person I have ever known.
I realized I had to change my attitude. I had changed already my attitude about caring for the animals, which I’ve incorporated into my fitness regimen. So it was a short leap to convert vacuuming the floors and washing the dishes into meditation.
Hence, Zen Husband.
Who right now must prepare one of his signature dishes –
Chinese takeout.