The minute a man ceases to grow, no matter what his years, that minute he begins to be old. – William James
Some among us – as they age – grow in wisdom, happiness and contentment,
while others become increasingly miserable.
I have the aging part down fairly well.
But as I wish to be both wiser and happier, I wonder, why the difference?
Researchers have asked the same question.
Surprisingly, a harsh childhood, even an abusive one – does not predict unhappiness.
“What goes right in childhood predicts the future far better than what goes wrong,” says Harvard’s Dr. G.E. Vaillant in Aging Well.
Good to know.
***
Turns out robust health is also unimportant.
Happy people (typically) simply ignore or adapt to ailments.
Note: prescription painkillers are not an optimal adaptation.
Exercise actually predicts late-in-life mental health better than physical health.
The key to happiness arises from our choice of coping mechanisms.
If you choose to project your impulses toward jealousy, anger and hate, you are more likely to perceive everybody else as jealous, angry haters, even when they are nothing like that.
(All liars think everybody lies, all thieves think everybody steals.)
Obviously, you will find yourself in conflict often and repeatedly.
***
Conversely, mature coping mechanisms, such as anger suppression, humor and treating others as you’d like them to treat you, reduce conflict and sustain rewarding relationships.
“Being more aware,” explains Valliant, “pulling into consciousness your immature coping mechanisms – so you realize they’re not very helpful to you and very annoying to others – will make you feel better.”
Using drugs and abusing alcohol would be considered immature.
Vaillant concludes that alcohol, often seen as a sign of unhappiness, is actually an enormous contributor to unhappiness. “Alcoholism,” he states, “is a disorder of great destructive power.”
Love is mature. “Everybody’s coping mechanisms tend to be more mature,” Vaillant offers, “if they’re holding the hand of someone they trust.”
In Spiritual Evolution, Vaillant tells us that positive emotion – love, hope joy compassion, faith, gratitude – link us to others, while negative emotions are actually selfish, encouraging an it’s-all-about-me perspective on life.
“Love is the shortest definition of spirituality,” writes Vaillant. “Both spirituality and love result in conscious feelings of respect, appreciation, acceptance, empathy, compassion, involvement, tenderness, and gratitude…. To focus on the positive emotions is the best and safest route to spirituality that we are likely to see.”
***
There’s the goal right there. Conscious feelings of respect, appreciation, acceptance, empathy, compassion, involvement, tenderness, and gratitude….
And once again the correct choice is to think positive.
Hope it is really that simple.
I am prepared to believe it is.
Positively.