So I am rummaging through my papers and I make a discovery from, let’s say, 1992. An election year. Not much later, there’s a report of a massacre in Roseburg followed by a former Governor responding with “Stuff happens.” Well, that stopped me. And right now my working song is “I Am A Full Grown Man” by Barrance Whitfield and the Savages. Stay with me here. Look and listen – really listen – to what those people are talking about. You and I will talk more later.
From the unpublished Wild Dog #7. I can almost hear George Carlin. – JDW
First of all, let’s begin with a scatological comparative study of the dominant religions and relevant philosophies of our times.
Taoism ……………………………………………………………………………………………….Shit happens.
Confucianism ……………………………………………………………….Confucius said, “Shit happens.”
Buddhism ………………………………………………………………..If shit happens, it must not be shit.
Existentialism ………………………………………………………………………………What is shit after all?
Islam …………………………………………………………………….If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Hare Krishna ……………………………………………………………………….Shit happens, Rama, Rama.
Moonies ………………………………………………………………………..Only happy shit happens really.
Rastafarianism ………………………………………………………………….Let’s smoke some of this shit.
Zoroastrianism ………………………………………………………………….Shit happens half of the time.
Seventh Day Adventist ……………………………………………………..Absolutely no shit on Saturday.
Madison Avenueism …………………………………………………………………………………….Shit sells.
Hinduism ……………………………………………………………………….This shit has happened before.
Mormons …………………………………………………………………..This shit is going to happen again.
Hedonism ……………………………………………………………………..There’s nothing like a good shit.
Zen Buddhism ………………………………………………………….What is the sound of shit happening?
Protestantism ……………………………………………………………………Let the shit happen to others.
Catholicism …………………………………………………………………Shit happens because you’re bad.
Calvinism ……………………………………………..Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism ……………………………………………………………Why does this shit always happen to us?
Stoicism ……………………………………………………………………………….This shit is good for you.
Agnostics ………………………………………………………………………………..I’m not sure about shit.
Quakers ………………………………………………………………………There is some shit in each of us.
Christian Scientists ……………………………………………………………….All this shit is in your mind.
Native Americans …………………………………………………………………………………We are all shit.
Atheists ……………………………………………………………………………………………………..No shit.
Masochism …………………………………………………………………………………………………Eat shit.
Secondly, we have no message. Figure it out for yourself. The Wild Dogma? “May be shit. May not be shit. Smell everything at least once.”
Doctor Bones himself was raised by Methodists. He was taught to believe – if you’re a good puppy – there’s no shit at Big Kennel In The Sky. And if there is shit, it won’t stink. And if it does stink, somebody will be right by, real soon, to clean it up. And if somebody doesn’t clean it up, there’s a shovel handy, you can clean up after yourself. Growing up, there seemed to be a awful lot of rules. Break any one of them, the shit would hit the fan. Butt-wise, I mean. Get your ass flogged is what happened to bad puppies.
Of course, if you’re a REALLY bad puppy, you are going to be swimming in shit for eternity.
So, practice your dog paddle.