“I feel like a supermodel except, like, times ten, okay? It’s true. I’m a supermodel.” (Arizona, June 18, 2016)
Greetings From A Red State
New signage welcomes visitors and Tommy Tuberville at the border. “Welcome to the Free State of Florida.”
MAGA macht frei.
Living amongst them as I do, many, many Republicans, belated tears streaming down their chubby wrinkled faces, they say to me, ‘Sir, what with masked goons murdering U.S. citizens, mothers and nurses – white people! – in the street and a million mentions in the Epstein files and Jared turning Gaza into Branson With Beaches, well, can’t believe I’m saying this, I will certainly be hesitant to vote for him a fourth time in 2028.”
Watched Attorney General Cruella’s performance before Congress. Why was she not in the alternative halftime show?
I am old enough to remember Janet Reno. You should look her up.
And then, spelunking in my office, I unearth real actual Florida headlines from 2015. Before media was lame.
Remember it well. The Sunshine State. Before Global Warming got serious. Not an entirely terrible place to live until Barack Hussein Obama, that half-white Senator from Illinois – pause here to spit – got his black ass elected President of these United States and then and then and then the whole state pretty much went crazy.
Followed by the Tea Party and well, you know the rest.
Anyway, that’s why I share these notes from a simpler time.
2015. When you people didn’t have Trump to blame for everything. Ha!
Real Actual Florida Headlines
Deer flees nativity scene Family sues police over arrest for blowing kiss Dance troupe sure looked like terrorists.
Heart medicine mistaken for cocaine
Bomb squad blows up stuffed pony
Dress code, cheerleader outfits conflict.
Man accused of growing pot in front yard Snake handlers should be careful Circumcision brings a criminal complaint.
Obituary ends homicide case
BB gun used as motivational tool
Longhorns, Red Bull and dachshunds – a bad mix.
Burglar left computer logged onto MySpace Free-spirited bull’s frolic lands owner in jail Pregnant girl says the dad is 70
Poker champ arrested on third DUI charge Governor asked to pardon a dog Doctor accused of shoplifting laxative. Punches Fly In Defense Of Conway Twitty Salad bottle fails as holdup weapon 3-year-old won’t be prosecuted.
Pooch’s pink paws bring $255 fine One-Way Ticket To Mars Proposed Buy a truck, get a free AK-47.
Burglar bakes brownies Masked Men Burst Into Wrong Location Locals get exposure on nudist TV show.
Panthers Prey On Calves Suspect in rape sues his accuser Florida man uses BB gun to steal deodorant. 'Three breasted woman' arrested for DUI Colorful Florida man defecates on church steps After falling on audience, camel taken out of Christmas show.
Used to be, a guy could put on a frilly dress, padded bra and his best pair of pumps and read some sensuous Maya Angelou on a bench in the park.
But we cleaned up that mess. We’re free now.
Don’t get me started.
The Before Times were certainly funnier.
