A DOG IS LESS TROUBLE THAN THE WRONG WOMAN. Mid-1990’s.
You know the old saying about dogs; can’t live with them, can’t live without’em.
When Norma Louise went to Montana to consult with her not-a-guru, she left her dog behind.
Barker Ajax agreed to watch said dog for the duration of its mistress’ absence.
Norma Louise, for the sake of clarity it should be noted, was also Barker’s mistress at the time.
Daisy Donut was the dog’s name; a six-pound miniature dachshund with the personality of Roseanne Barr.
Beautiful little creature with see-through eyes.
Yip. Yip, yip. Yip, yip, yip. Yip, Yip, Yip, Yip. Yip, yip, Yip, yipYip, yip, Yip, yipYip, yip, Yip, yipYip, yip, Yip, yipYip, yip, Yip, yip.
I’m sure you get the yip… point. One yippy winter morning, Barker found Daisy dozing peacefully on the front porch, like some mailorder Christmas gag gift, surrounded by cans of gourmet canine cuisine.
A note was tied to the wicker picnic basket. Note said:
Hello My DEAR,
Directions for the care and feeding of Ms. D. :
Feed her lunch and dinner Thursday and breakfast and lunch Friday.
Meals consist of one spoonful tofu (yellow plastic container), two spoonfuls canned food, and one-half teaspoon brewer’s yeast.
Mix together and add three or four spoonfuls of hot water.
There’s a liver cookie on top of fridge which you could break up into quarters for a treat, because she won’t be satisfied with what’s on her plate.
A spoonful – one only – in small dish is another treat between meals. Well, she is growing.
Put three blankets on top of her at night. If she wakes up, she is cold, or just playing, I don’t know.
But, if you cover her up again, she will go back to sleep.
That woman,
Pretty much tried to care for him the same way.
The dog was cute as hell. So, too, the woman.
Wasn’t the wrong woman.
The right woman – maybe – at the wrong time.
Barker loved both of them, to tell the truth.
But he loved himself more.
To tell the truth.