The idea of fake news isn’t really news. What’s new is the segment of the population untethered from reality.
Here’s my column dated November 16, 1988. Written right after a Presidential election. – JDW
What are inquiring minds wondering? It’s a question that’s been cruising through my unconsciousness on a semi-irregular basis. So, feeling like some eleven-year-old purloining pornography, I purchased all six weekly newspapers at the checkout stand and asked for a brown paper wrapper. Some of it is sick, some of it’s sickening, and all of it is stuff you probably wouldn’t find out otherwise.
And you call yourself informed.
Nearly nineteen million people, voters doubtlessly, read the National Enquirer. (“We’ve got what you want the way you want it.”). What they want is mostly celebrity gossip, advice and how-to, usually dietary or medical, and the Oh-My-God-I’m-Glad-That-Didn’t-Happen-To-Me feature.
You know, like the family that was lost at sea for thirty-two days. “They ate toothpaste and Tabasco sauce and licked dew from the sails of their boat.”
Psychic demons always get a lot of ink. One headline reads “Stunned State Official Sees Candle Levitate.” Wonder what he’d been licking?
The Star tells the story of the pit bull who was brought to the vet’s because he was acting a little sluggish. An X-ray of the dog’s stomach indicated seven quarters, seven dimes, seven nickels, sixty-two pennies, four large washers, a one-inch nail, a house key on a key ring, a pizza parlor game token, a handful of shotgun pellets, and electrical wire. That’s $3.42, for those of you counting.
The Globe actually manages to be boring. In this business that is perhaps the most damning criticism I can offer.
As far as I can tell, and now we’re in a real gray area, the other papers aren’t nearly as credible. They stretch the First Amendment until it twangs. The Sun tells of Randall Schwab’s defense in divorce court. “A middle-aged accountant said a group of teenage girls claiming to be scouts forced themselves on him sexually after he bought their cookies.”
Then there are the headlines. “Ghost of man who died in blaze sets off smoke alarm.” Or, “Bee attack causes man to be mowed to death.”
Must be those Africanized killer insects we’ve been warned about. Now they’ve got power tools.
The National Examiner is America’s Fastest Growing Weekly. Not a comforting thought. Your bird’s cage deserves better. One story: a top Native American leader has charged George H.W. Bush’s grandfather stole Geronimo’s skull as a trophy for that ultra-secret society at Yale. The headline asks, “Is George Bush Haunted by an Old Indian Curse?” Well, it would explain plenty.
The obligatory piece about life on other planets reports UFO landing bases are being discovered in dozens of nations around the globe. Our globe, Earth. Lest you doubt this information… “Scientists have ruled out hoaxes as a cause….”
And America’s leading UFO investigator, New York City’s Budd Hopkins, notes that “vegetation flattened by flying saucers is slow to grow back.”
The National Examiner has this week’s most interesting nutritional information. “Eat enough whole-wheat bread and you’ll get high as a kite.” According to Dr. David Conning, described as a leading British scientist, whole-wheat bread contains enough natural LSD to produce a state of euphoria if eaten in sufficient amounts. Supposedly, eight to ten slices will give you a modest buzz.
A large bowl of granola can have the same effect. In fact, Dr. Conning says, “a high-bran diet could result in the consumption of enough LSD to stay stoned every day.” No mention of Grape-Nuts.
The Weekly World News is the Charlie Manson of newspapers. Whoever is responsible for this tabloid trash probably spends his summer vacation under a large cold boulder and he has the slides to prove it.
Where to start? How about a letter to the editor. Apparently, a previous issue reported that surgeons had attached a chimp’s head to a man’s body. There’s a photograph. D.B.M. writes, “…it just goes to prove how stupid scientists can be. Why in the world would they pick an ugly animal like a chimpanzee for their experiment?… Nobody in their right mind would want to have a chimp’s head. A bear’s head might look nice or even a good-looking dog. But nobody’s gonna want to look like a chimp.”
And what chimp is gonna want a big, pink, hairless body that can’t even climb a tree?
There were two UFO sightings you might have missed. Five silver-skinned, four-foot tall aliens shot it out with ray guns on an isolated plateau in Peru. One eyewitness suggested that “there may have been many more of them earlier, because every time one was zapped, he would vanish right before our eyes.”
Then there’s real trouble, which the Sun promotes in a History-making Intergalactic Exclusive. A Swiss astronomer has photographed “a gigantic extraterrestrial monster drifting through space – and he now fears it might be headed for Earth!” (Think about it. Where the heck else would it be heading?) The monster is estimated to be at least two hundred feet long and fifty feet wide. It can change its shape from a flying saucer to a giant sea creature, a crustacean by all appearances.
The scientist realizes he’s jeopardizing his career by going public with his discovery after his government told him to keep quiet, but he’s clearly worried. “I can only hope the superpowers can and will attempt to deal with it.” I think we should let the Commies fight it. Then, if they lose, we can tell the big fella we were on his side all the time.
There’s more. One headline blares “The Devil’s Triangle – the truth at last.” The story opens with “The Devil’s Triangle is a gateway to eternity – that opens sixteen times a year.”
Bertil Hagelin has spent the past forty-three years in a bathtub of water. He gets out only to use the toilet. “I didn’t set out to spend my life in a bathtub, but that’s how it worked out,” said Fish Man, as he’s known to his friends. “When I realized how good it felt to lay back in the tub, I decided ‘what the heck,’ and moved in for good.”
Fifi, a white mouse abandoned in France, spent twenty-five months traveling over five hundred miles to rejoin her owner. Animal expert Alain Mevel opines “love and loyalty can help even the lowliest animal accomplish amazing things.” What I want to know is which one of you Earthlings lost a two-hundred-foot sea creature?
There’s no escaping politicians. In Indonesia, they’re up in arms “over the tasteless campaign tactics of a would-be government leader so hungry for power he’s promising savage cannibals ‘a missionary in every pot.'”
Supposedly, the candidate was given a “tongue-lashing” and a “chewing out” by a presidential representative. Chief Umawa Widjaja was unavailable for comment. “An aide said the legislative hopeful was too busy attending a series of feasts with tribal leaders in the bush.”
Too many trees are dying needlessly.