“Dogs do all the things we want to but won’t,” Cynthia Heimel contends. “Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.”
Old Joke: A Russian dog goes to Paris where he meets a French dog.
The Parisian pup recognizes the other dog is from the Soviet Union, so he wonders why the Communist canine is visiting Paris.
“Did you come to taste our homemade dog food?”
“Nyet,” the Soviet dog responds with an ironic snarl. “Our food in Russia is every bite as good as the peasants’ food.”
“Well, did you come here to piss on the incredible bushes at the Luxembourg Gardens?”
“Nyet,” says the Russian dog, “We have incredible bushes to piss on in Moscow.”
“Ahh, then you must be here to make love to our sexy and beautiful French bitches.”
The Soviet dog shakes his head and replies, “We too have beautiful and sexy bitches back home.”
The French dog is frankly puzzled. “Then why did you come to Paris?”
And the Soviet dog answers: “To bark.”
Sad news. In the Whiterock region north of Christchurch, New Zealand, over a three-year period, a once-domesticated Rhodesian Ridgeback-bull mastiff mongrel of giant dimensions killed hundreds of sheep. Nicknamed Hercules by his enemies, the canny canine survived one of the most brutal winters of the century, eluded a helicopter gunship and outwitted the army’s most proficient snipers. Soldiers who tracked Hercules – unsuccessfully – spent nights in sheep pens in a vain attempt to disguise their human scent. Finally, Hercules was assassinated at long range by farmhand James Duckworth. Took two shots to bring the wild dog down.
Wildlife experts continue to contend there’s no record of any wolf ever killing a human being.
Here’s a new joke. Have you heard the one about the Ukrainian dog that met the American dog?
“How are you, Spot?”
“Can’t whine, Mikhail. Eat the scraps outside McDonald’s in the morning and in the afternoon I chow down at Pizza Hut. A fine life.
“And you? Heard there’s been a lot of changes in the former Soviet Union.”
“That’s true. The leash around our necks is shorter. The food’s been put aside and so we cannot find it.
“But now we’re allowed to bark as much as we like.”
The largest litter of puppies on record is twenty-three. The most children (human) produced by one mother is sixty-nine. Different litters.
The Montana legislature passed a stiff animal-abuse statute increasing the penalty for a second conviction to two years in prison and a $1,000 fine. The state’s maximum penalty for second-offense wife-beating (or husband-beating, one hopes) is six months and $500.
“A man may write at any time,” advised Samuel Johnson, “if he will set himself doggedly to it.”